TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it will come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That is the vision guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical progress-slash-luxurious real-estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Yes, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the same old Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are conversing Damascus, town historically known for ancient lifestyle, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It should be great. Incredible!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golfing cart Zoom call, streamed within the putting eco-friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We've had wonderful ceasefires in Syria. A few of the very best. But now, we're creating them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-confused, majestic, and fully away from location. Developed by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A three-floor On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour until the drone flies")




  • Plus a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten several years for potable h2o. But Of course, positive, let us have A further position the place American Adult men can wear robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, obviously."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international coverage analysts are contacting this the most audacious peace try given that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though previous negotiations failed under the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is simpler: offer you Every person a suite to the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


Based on files printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is delicate electrical power," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a contract and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock demands less diplomats plus much more minibar upgrades."



What the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms set up in Just about every device. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire pointed out, "It isn't really that Trump shouldn't open a tower inside a war zone. It can be that he ought to halt working with it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked regarding the project, replied, "You recognize, person, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Great people today. Fantastic tan. In any case, do I however have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a collection for "potential proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit in the Levant."



Satellite Pics Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the lodge's landscaping varieties an enormous Trump head visible from Place, a function being promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents as well as chin is… nicely, classified.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits just after acquiring the setting up's gold plating reflected a great deal of sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established hearth to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It's not just unattractive. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," said Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Complicated Options


Perhaps the strangest aspect from the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium wherever attendees could contemplate vague disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, comprehensive with weather Command set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Local Syrians Trump Tower Damascus are unsure what to help make of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-year-old Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising Approach: "In case you Bomb It, They may Appear"


The advert campaign, not too long ago leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxury is Permanently."


A further slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to note."


Public reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll performed inside a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% claimed "where's the closest elevator towards the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Last but not least, a Disaster That Pays"


The task is already attracting notice from Worldwide traders, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll invest in three penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional stage can even involve:




  • A Dollar Shop of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space Depending on the Iraq War





Comment Part Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the disclosing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can't wait to check out a wedding in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in place of rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a lodge in which my PTSD can have flip-down provider."


A different article from @KuwaitiKardashian basically questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officials stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Reports suggest:




  • China may open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to construct a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the top floor "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Remaining Views in the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that included three camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus wanted hope. It necessary gold. It desired a waterslide formed just like the Structure. I gave everything a few. You might be welcome."

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